Letters
by Toniboo
Summary: UPDATEDMax never told Alec about Ben the night Alec was arrested. A few days later Max wrote this letter to him instead. I might do this as a series of letters between the two but I’m not sure yet. Tell me what you think, please.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of the Dark Angel characters or the show itself. I f I did do you really think it would have ended?

**Rating: **K+ for a couple of minor swear words.

**Timeframe:** Just after Alec got arrested for Ben's crimes but Max never told him what had happened with Ben.

**Summary: **Max never told Alec about Ben the night Alec was arrested. A few days later Max wrote this letter to him instead. I might do this as a series of letters between the two but I'm not sure yet. Tell me what you think.

**Please Read and Review!**

Dear Alec

Hey there. I know you're probably thinking why the hell would Max be writing you letter but I'm going to explain. I promise. You see there's some stuff that I think you should know. About Ben and me. Once you read this you're probably going to hate me but you deserve to know. Just remember, you could never hate me as much as I hate myself.

When I was at Manticore, Ben was my best friend. He was so sweet. When I had a nightmare Ben would sit up with me, making shadow puppets on the walls to cheer me up. He was totally out of it the next day though as he didn't have shark DNA and actually needed a lot of sleep. My sister Jondy and I were the only ones with shark DNA from my unit. Anyways, Ben was always getting in trouble with the guards and with Zack. Ben and Zack were always fighting: they couldn't see eye to eye about anything. They did love each other though, don't get me wrong, but they just wound each other up. Krit used to say it was coz of me; Zack didn't want anyone else to be close to me apart from him, but he was talking crap. Why would Zack not want me to be close with the others in my family?

Ben was always asking questions about why we were here, at Manticore, why were we created? When his questions weren't answered he made up his own. He would make up these stories about the outside world and he gave us the answers we didn't have. One of his stories was of people on the outside who had names. Ben and Zack decided that we should have names too. So thanks to Ben I became Max.

We had a brother called Jack. He was just a little bit older to me (I'm the youngest out of my siblings). One night, while he was seizing, a janitor came into our barracks and gave us a picture of a woman. He told us that she would protect us. The janitor didn't tell us her name so we called her the Blue Lady. Out of all of us, Ben believed the most. He told us about the High Place; a place where you could do whatever you wanted, eat what you wanted and where yob ever got yelled at. We made an alter for her and at Ben's bidding we sacrificed teeth to her to make her stronger.

One day Lydecker sent us into the forest to retrieve a target. We caught him real fast and once we did we found that he was an anomili. He never stood a chance. Ben's stories always spoke of the anomilis; about how they were the defectives and how, at night, they would kill any X5s who happened to be out of their beds and eat their brains. Looking back, it was stupid for us to believe Ben, but we always did. No matter what he did or said. Any way, that day in the forest, when we saw the anomili, we reacted on instinct. We tore him apart and afterwards Ben pulled out its teeth to give to the Blue Lady, to prove our loyalty. There was so much blood. That day was the only time I have ever fully succumbed to the animalistic characteristics of my DNA. I always try to control my transgenic traits. Even while I'm in Heat I try to stay in control, even though I'm never truly successful. That day though, I was so scared at what we had down; what we were capable. Ben, on the other hand, was triumphant. He said we had proved ourselves worthy of the Blue Lady's love.

A few days later Jack had a seizure during roll call. The guards took him away and Ben and I followed to make sure that he was OK. He wasn't OK. When we reached the lab, he was regaining consciousness and that's when they started the autopsy. I can still hear his screams in my dreams. As soon as it was Lights Out, Ben went up to the alter and started screaming to the Blue Lady. We tried to get him to come back in but he wouldn't listen. I was just about to go up there and drag his ass down when he got caught. They sent him straight to Psy Ops. When he returned, he was different, quieter. He never spoke of the Blue Lady again and the rest of us kinda forgot about her. Shortly after, I started getting the seizures and we escaped. My familt didn't want me to be taken away as well.

Last year, Logan found out about a body just brought into a morgue. It had a barcode on it's neck that ended 493. Ben's designation. I went to the morgue to say my final goodbye to the sweetest boy that I had ever and will ever meet. When I got their, I realised it wasn't Ben. I would recognise him anywhere. This body had Ben's barcode but it wasn't him. The next day another body turned up with the same barcode. Both bodies were missing all their teeth. Logan looked up the internet and found 10 more bodies exactly the same as the other two. You know, if I had never found out about the other bodies I could've ignored all the evidence. I could be able to look back at Ben and only know the good memories. I could still think of him as the same boy he used to be.

Logan wanted to know what was going on, but I wouldn't, _couldn't_ tell him. Ben is or was my family and Logan could never understand what Ben did. But I could. I had to protect him. And I tried to, right up til the end. It just wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. I've never told anyone what went down between me and Ben. Not Logan, or OC. I never even told Zack. But you need to know. We've put you through enough shit as it is and you at least to deserve to know why.

I knew that he was in Seattle, so I went to the one place where I knew he'd be; the Church of the Blue Lady (the Virgin Mary). I sat there all day and night, in a pew in the middle of the church. Finally Ben arrived but he didn't notice me. He walked right past me and didn't even send a glance my way. He walked straight to the statue of the Blue Lady and that was when I noticed the teeth at her feet for the first time. And there was my proof. I walked up to him and when he recognised me his whole face lit up, just like when we were kids. His smile vanished, though, when I asked him why he was killing innocent people. He ran from me. I became his enemy. Later he kidnapped the father who had spoken to me earlier that day. I went to the Space Needle, knowing that Ben would find the highest place he could. He was so lost; so confused. Nothing made sense to him anymore; he said that we should never have left Manticore because everything did make sense there. I convinced him that he could stop all of this and to let the father go. He changed his mind at the last minute. He threw me into a small cell and locked the door. He left with the Father; his prey. It took me ages to get out and find them. They were in the forest next to Manticore, right were we had killed that convict all those years ago. Ben had been killing "himself" over and over again reliving that day.

I got there just in time to stop Ben killing the Father. We fought and the Father got away. While we were fighting, I broke Ben's leg. That's when we heard the helicopters; Manticore. I tried to help Ben outta there but I couldn't carry him. He started begging me to kill him; to end his pain. He couldn't go back to Manticore, not after what he had done. I got him talking about the High Place. Then I did it. I killed him. I murdered my best friend; my big brother; your twin.

So that's it. Now you know. I can't change what happened, no matter how much I want to. If it helps any, I hate myself more and more each day. I'll never forget what I did, I'll never stop feeling the guilt. I'm sorry that because of me you'll never have the chance to meet him. I'm sorry Alec, I'm so sorry.

Max


	2. Alec

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of the Dark Angel characters or the show itself. I f I did do you really think it would have ended?

**Rating: **K for a couple of minor swear words.

**Timeframe:** Just after Alec got arrested for Ben's crimes but Max never told him what had happened with Ben.

**A/N. **Hey guys. nervously shuffles feet remember me? The very, very, very bad person who seems to have an aversion to updating? I have no excuses, I've had this written for over a year, I just haven't gotten around to typing it up. Please don't hate me! Better late than never as they say. I don't think I've written Alec very well but I've tried. Just be glad that there's a sociology essay I just don't want to write lol! Sorry it isn't that good!!

Now onto the story and

**Please Read and Review!!!!**

Dear Max,

Wow, for once I'm at a loss of words. Bet you never thought that could happen but it's true. I have no idea what I'm going to say here. Your letter was….unexpected to say the least. And yeah, I did think why the hell you would ever write a letter to me. But you were right, I did deserve to know. As I read your letter I experienced so many new and inconceivable (at least to me) emotions. I've always wanted to what Ben was like, before he went off the deep end. So thanks. And before I go any further I want you to know that I don't hate you. Never have, doubt I ever will. I can't imagine it must have been for you to kill him but Max; you did what you had to do. _You had no choice!_

I never got to meet Ben, but i've always wanted to. Will you tell me about him? Are we similar (in personality, obviously we are the same looks-wise)? What was he really like? Was he quiet? Loud? A prankster? What were his favourite things to do? Can you tell me some of his stories? And if you can, will you tell me about the rest of your unit? We were indoctrinated to see them as traitors. What were they really like? I know I'm asking a lot from you but I really do want to know. To some extent I need to know.

After you and your unit left, you became infamous. There were so many rumours floating around about you guys. No-one ever knew about your names though. It's strange; I feel proud that it was Ben who figured out our need for names. When you gave me my name I felt for the first time since Rachel that I was more than a soldier; more than a number. Do you think that's stupid?

I do understand why you and your unit needed something to place your faith in. Manticore was hell. Everyone needs something, for your unit it was your Blue Lady and the High Place. It was what comforted you when you were being tortured by the sadistic trainers. What I don't understand is why you offered Her teeth. How would the teeth help? I'm not mocking Ben or anything, I just want to understand everything you guys went through. You're my friend and Ben was my twin.

My unit was also sent on that mission. We captured the escapee and returned him to base, thinking he was just a man who had escaped form Death Row. We didn't know about he was an anomaly. I for one had never heard the stories that Ben told. I think I now, well not understand, but empathize whit you and why you are reluctant to embrace your full potential; why you don't truly trust your transgenic side. You're scared in case what happened on that mission happens again. Maxie, you can't continue living in the past. What happened happened. Nothing can change that. You followed your instincts and that's all we can do. You can't suppress part of yourself much longer, it isn't healthy. You should be proud of being a transgenic not ashamed.

I'm sorry about Jack. Some of my unit were taken away because of seizing; I never saw them again. What they did to him was so wrong. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you to watch that. But it wasn't your fault; you couldn't have saved him from being exposed. And you have to stop blaming yourself for Ben being sent to Psy Ops. You tried get him away from the roof. Psy Ops is the worst torture you will ever go through, as we both know. It changes everyone. I didn't know you got seizures that must have sucked. I get why they escaped for you, what with you being the youngest. I never knew that.

This might sound strange to but I think you were lucky. You and your unit were really close. The only people I felt close to in Manticore were Biggs and Cece.

No Ordinary can understand simply because they aren't a transgenic. That includes Logan. Until they have experienced what we have they couldn't possibly comprehend us. Don't get mad, but the rules for Ordinaries and Transgenics are different. Unlike Ordinaries we have animal DNA in our genetic make-up. This means s well as having human characteristics we also have animal ones. One of these characteristics is the sense of belong we have with our fellow unit members; our pack. Ben was your brother and therefore a member of your pack, what happens to him happens to you. If he needed help you would naturally do everything in your power to help him. That's what a pack does. Logan could never understand that, no matter what he says. Why didn't you tell your CO, Zack? Did you think that he would disapprove? As a CO he would understand you did what you had to, to prevent what would have happened if you had allowed Manticore to recapture him.

As bad as it was, at least Manticore was structured; you knew what was expected of you and you knew the consequences if you failed. Outside it is different. There are no rules, everything is confusing and the expectations are new and completely opposite to what we were taught in Manticore. It is very difficult to adjust to. I can sort of understand why he was so confused. Life outside Manticore is so different it can be hard to deal with. Ben had no-one, he was on his own. He obviously needed the structure and stability Manticore provided and he had no-one to guide or show him how to react to the outside world. I know you were on your own as well but you are the strongest person I know. And you eventually made a home for yourself. You have friends that love you. I know for a fact that Original Cindy would die for you in an instant, you're her boo no matter what. Ben wasn't that lucky. Maybe he just needed the feeling of his pack more than the rest of you. He must have had a million demons chasing him, especially since he had been in Psy Ops.

Max, you did what you had to do; what choice did you have? No don't answer that, it's a rhetorical question. You and I both know what would have happened to Ben if Manticore had gotten its hands on him. And if you had gotten the both of you out of there (which would have been damn near impossible) thee is no saying if Ben would have stopped killing people. He was in so much pain, he begged you. And you loved him so much that you sacrificed willingly your own piece of mind to do what he so desperately wanted you to do. You didn't murder him. You did what you did in mercy. It took a lot more for you to kill him than anything else you could have done. Maxie, from what you've said he was too far gone for you to save and he knew that. That's why he begged you to do it. It was undoubtedly the most selfish and cruellest thing he could have done.

Maxie, do me a favour. Stop hating yourself. Ok you may have killed your brother (out of compassion) but in a way you've preserved his memory, at least for your siblings. They'll never know what he became. I'm glad you told me, at least so that you don't have to shoulder the burden alone anymore. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry for what he made you do.

Alec


End file.
